Often I am described as a difficult person. I suspect there is a lot of truth in that perception of me.  I am not difficult intentionally, but I am awkward. Not in the sense that I will make people's life difficult for the sake of it, but because that is how I am. I struggle to understand my place in the world, I struggle with friendships and social interaction. I am often considered lucid and articulate,  and in many things I am, except where it comes to human communication and relationships. I am a complete dunce at these.

I am intuitive, and oddly enough quite shy. My confidence levels are usually rock bottom, and I have a value of my own self that matches it, esteem is not something I feel for myself. I am ever so good at hiding it from most people though. Those that know me, really know me, know all this and more about me. My ego is fragile as egg shells and I find my self battling self loathing so often.

The Doctor call it 'Clinical Depression' - its something I have lived with from childhood. I am told that my view of myself is rather cock-eyed, and that I should be someone else and change the way I am. I have tried to. Believe me. I just wish people would accept me as I am, flaws and all. Moreover, I wish *I* could accept myself as I am.

I needed to say that out loud.

So what am  I doing to sort myself out and stop the indulgent wallowing in self-pity and navel gazing?  I have a list of things I want to do - things that have always been put to one side, because, money, time or inclination didn't fit in with the idea at a point in time. Often, I would sacrifice my own desires for the greater good - fit in with what everyone elses wants, and forget myself. I think all Mum's do it.  Lately I have been practising being more selfish. Not in a bad way, but in a way where I am attempting to look after me and my well-being rather more than I have until now. Some days I even believe I do matter and there is a point to everything. Sadly, those days are few and far between, and the feeling quickly evaporates.

The allotment, the hens and the bees, were all part of my plan to feel more fulfilled and in touch with things that matter to me. I have a couple of new adventures I am planning too.  One  I hope will replace a much missed love in  my life, riding. The other has been rekindled by the reading of a book called 'The Book of English Magic'    , especially the arts of dowsing and divination. I know that doing these things doesnt deal with the root of the problem and could be considered distractions. But they are positive, and I enjoy the process of learning and being challenged.  In a round about way it helps me feel better about myself, I set myself a goal, something that is achievable with a bit of work and consistency on my part, and when I succeed, I feel good; that is a positive experience. I have learnt over the years to avoid setting myself up to fail ( and I have failed a lot) - that just doesn't help with the negative side of things.

To replace the Horse riding, I am going to learn to drive a pony and cart.  I hope eventually to have my own turnout, but for now I am going to learn all  I need to know about harness, carts, driving, and some of the things it opens doors too. I have always fancied scurry racing, but I suspect my Doctors would commit me if I attempted it.

Dowsing is something I was shown how to do when I was learning about how to land survey whilst at Sparsholt College, whilst studying Garden Design. I was sceptical, but very soon changed my view as we learned just how accurate it could be! I am also interested in ley lines, and the idea that we are all connected by energy. Animals, Trees, The Earth, and Us - everything! Some will think this cranky, and no doubt it is, but I feel I can now spend the time to devote to studying it, and exploring its application.  I hope to attend a couple of courses run by the British Dowsing Society next year, in the mean time I am going to use the Autumn to improve my knowledge about fungi. My adventures with Fungi start tomorrow morning in the New Forest, where I am going on a Fungi Foray with John Wright to learn more about them.